The Vulva-Owner’s Guide to Anal Sex

Rachel Wright

Sex & Psychology August 02, 2021

When it comes to anal sex and vulva owners, there is a stigma. Let’s just name that right away. Why is there a stigma surrounding this incredibly fun form of sex and sexual expression? It’s almost as though society said, “If you have a vulva, you don’t need to explore your butt!” So we dismiss the exploration of the booty or deem it as “taboo” or “unnatural.” Or, even more insane, that because anal sex is a form of sexual expression among gay men, that it can’t possibly be for other sexually identifying people, too!?

After years of seeing clients, teaching, creating workshops, and curriculum -- the definition of sex that Team RW created and uses is a meaningful experience of pleasure.

So, with that definition in mind, anal sex would be an anally-focused meaningful experience of pleasure. How does that sound? A little less scary?

In this post, we’re going to crush the stigmas surrounding women partaking in anal sex, talk about anal sex safety, and how to have the most pleasurable anal sex experience. Sounds fun, right?! 

Let’s Break the Stigma(s)

Stigma #1: Anal is only for gay men

Because we live in a patriarchal society (and one where there’s a lot of toxic masculinity), one of the prominent stigmas around heterosexual anal is that it’s “gay”... I’m just going to stop us all right there. There’s no such thing as a “gay” sex act. Sex is simply sex.

Seriously, I can’t yell this loud enough: sexual expression does not AT ALL have to be directly tied to your sexual identity. For example, many gay women LOVE pegging both vaginally and anally. That doesn’t mean they have “heterosexual sex,” it’s just one form of sexual expression. So, if that was a stigma you’ve been believing, this is your permission to SQUASH it.

Stigma #2: It’s dirty

Another stigma surrounding anal sex is that it’s “dirtier” than other sex acts. In my opinion, this language unintentionally shames anal sex.. We all have different interests and desires when it comes to sex. We cannot be interested in something because we simply aren’t interested in it, but that doesn’t mean we have to label it as “dirty” or “gross.” But, I would challenge you to ask yourself why you think it’s “weird.”

Is it because it’s new? Because it’s rarely talked about in a positive light amongst women? Is it because it seems scary, different, and unknown? All of those are valid things to feel and think about! I want to encourage you to question before shaming. Often, when we shame something, it’s coming from a place of not understanding something or someone yet. Who knows...you could come to love it!

And if you’re worried about a literal mess, try and ease your mind. On the other hand, if keeping the area extra clean will help you to feel better, I can’t recommend Future Method’s whole system any more than I already do. I use it personally, and I can tell you that it’s a game-changer for mindset.

Anal Sex Safety

There is no such thing as safe sex.

Yep, I said it. But, there is safeR sex! Like any other sexual act, it’s essential to be as safe as possible.

SafeR Anal Sex Tip #1: Use a condom

If it helps, think about safer anal sex in the same way you would safer vaginal sex; Use condoms, communicate with your partner about their history, and be honest! If you’re with a committed partner(s) and you know their history, you may not need to use condoms. When it comes to sex, safety will always make the experience more enjoyable in the long run. These small decisions of protection that are made in the moment, even if it’s having an honest conversation about your sexual history, lead to even more ethical sex in the moment and the future.

SafeR Anal Sex Tip #2: Use A LOT of lube

Regardless of your decision around condoms, it is imperative that you USE LUBE. This is a MUST. Not a suggestion, a MUST. And, I don’t use the word must lightly. In fact, I tell my clients all the time to stop musturbating! HA, get it? The anus isn’t self-lubricating at all, so please, trust me when I say you’re going to have a WAY more enjoyable experience if lube is very much involved!

If you’re using condoms or toys, use a water-based lube to ensure your condom doesn’t erode. Stay away from oil-based lubes for now - although there are some wonderful oil-based lubes out there - some cause condom breakage, and no one wants that!

If you aren’t using a condom or toys, silicone lube is a great option for anal. It tends to last a bit longer and creates more of a smooth glide. (Learn more about my favorite lubes here.)

There’s no shame in the reapply game. Reapply lube as much as you need throughout the experience to feel the most comfortable! 

SafeR Anal Sex Tip #3: Change Condoms or Remove Condom After Anal Play

Another way to ensure anal safe play is to change condoms if you’re switching around from booty play to mouth play or vaginal play. There can be some germs in the booty, so be safeR by either planning which order of sexual events you do or switching to a new condom to ensure cleanliness.

How To Make Anal Pleasurable 

Before you jump right into anal headfirst (uh-huh, you know what I mean), there are fun baby steps to take that can make the experience FAR more enjoyable. 

Tip #1: Start Small

Invest in a couple of different-sized butt plugs (a few with flared bases) or dilators and play around for a few weeks (check out Future Method’s Dilation Guide). Your booty won’t necessarily “stretch out,” but it will build up scar tissue that will make anal play more pleasurable. Remember - anal play isn’t supposed to be painful or make you bleed, and starting small can ensure a slow pleasure progression. 

If you’re experimenting with anal play for the first time, start with fingers or a small butt plug, like Tango or the two smallest b-Vibe snug plugs (still use lots of lube!). See what the sensation feels like if you like it, and see when you’re ready to add more girth, then move up a size. There’s no shame in taking a while to get comfortable - it’s new, it’s going to feel uncomfortable at first! Remember to relax, and it’s okay to just play around for a while!

Tip #2: Spend some time alone finding the pleasure points in your butt

There is such thing as an anal orgasm for vulva-owners. Isn’t that crazy wonderful? Get comfy by surrendering to the unknown and the adventure of possibly discovering a new form of pleasure. This might look like trying a few different angles, testing out what thrusting speed you like -- literally, anything you are trying will take commitment to the challenge. You aren’t expected to know what you’re doing right away; exploring is part of the fun! Different positions might also provide different levels of stimulation and comfort. It’s okay to move around and figure out what feels the most comfortable!

Tip #3: Ask your partner about giving and receiving when it comes to BUTTS

Set up a time to chat with your partner about your wants and desires around anal play and exploration -- and let them share theirs with you! Regardless of what body parts you have between your legs, you have a butt -- and most likely, your partner does too! 

Ask them for a time to talk about sex specifically and then be honest with them about how you’re feeling. Are you excited? Nervous? Both? What is on your “I’d love to explore” list, and what is on your “absolutely NOT” list? Do you think these are permanent or fluid? 

Tip #4: Don’t forget the lube (can you tell this is just a little important?!)

Again, DON’T FORGET THE LUBE. Seriously, during anal play, lube is your best friend + companion! 

I hope this blog is enough to get the ball rolling for you in your relationship(s) and sex life. I challenge you from here on out to question and, “Why do I believe this is weird? Is it because I’m ‘supposed to,’ or am I really just not interested in it?” Then you can be sure of where your opinions and preferences are coming from. 

To learn even more about butt stuff, make sure you’re following me on Instagram -- along with The Future Method, Bobby Box, & Gabrielle Kassel (some of my favorite IG accounts with good butt content!)

About the author

Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T., (she/her) is a licensed psychotherapist, sex educator, and relationship expert based in New York City. She's an experienced speaker, group facilitator, and writer. She's worked with thousands of humans worldwide to help them scream less and screw more.

The views expressed in this article intend to highlight alternative studies and induce conversation. They are the views of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Future Method, and are for informational purposes only, even if and to the extent that this article features the advice of physicians and medical practitioners. This article is not, nor is it intended to be, a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should never be relied upon for specific medical advice.

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