As a physician whose patients engage regularly in butt play, I have seen many cases where a person’s ability to embrace versatility in the bedroom can often be paramount to a healthy and fulfilling life between the sheets. In fact, placing role limitations, like “top” or “bottom”, giver or receiver, can not only severely limit your compatibility with others and deprive you of potentially satisfying relationships and pleasure, but also it can limit your knowledge on the safest ways to bottom (or top). Dr. Justin Lehmiller, who wrote about this previously for us, said, “Once people are sorted into these narrow roles, they start treating each other in ways that are consistent with them. In other words, a self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in. For example, you might not have the opportunity to explore other roles because people are already expecting something of you in ‘your’ role.”
So, what happens when the top becomes the bottom? This change of role can be spurred by many reasons: re-entering the dating scene after a relationship ends, getting older and facing physical limitations or simply looking for some new excitement in the bedroom.
Still, learning to bottom for those who have traditionally thought of themselves as tops can be daunting. In my practice, these late-bottom bloomers often come to me with complications that could have been avoided or minimized had they taken the appropriate preventative strategies and techniques.
Here are four things I think should be discussed before you dive into bottoming (or even consider making the *switch* to being versatile).
1. Educate yourself on pleasure and anatomy
If you follow us on Instagram, you will see that we are all about education. Unfortunately, sex ed that talks about backdoor fun has been nonexistent. Most education and awareness focuses on condom usage and STD prevention. While still extremely important, sex ed needs to be broader than just these two things. For example, understanding our butt’s anatomy is key to successful bottoming (and topping!). This includes:
- Understanding that both skin and muscle need appropriate relaxation and learning how to create the neural mechanism required to do this (more on this below)
- Learning about musculature in the area and knowing that there are multiple sphincters, some voluntary and some involuntary, and the right way to get them to relax (and contract) when you need them to
- Paying attention to your bowel movements, the propulsive actions of your colon, and the variabilities associated, and how big a role overall gut health, diet (like one that’s high in fiber and/or includes fiber supplements), and proper techniques for cleaning out (if needed) play into being “ready” to bottom.
2. Practice proper dilation
You can’t just ride the first thing (or person) you see. Believe it or not, there are exercises that you should practice (you can read more about this here) before your big debut. Most people don’t know that successful (read: pleasurable) bottoming takes time, practice, and proper stretching. Be ready to set aside about 4-6 weeks to get your muscle and skin in the correct balance. Invest in a good dilation set (typically with 3 different sizes) and then, starting with the smallest toy, followed by the medium, and finally the largest one, this sequence provides proper relaxation and adequate lube placement for future play.
3. Sit down (literally) for your bottoming debut
Now that weeks have passed and your behind has been primed with the knowledge of anatomy and function, along with appropriate dilation, the time has come for you to take a seat… on your partner. Choosing wisely is key, meaning average length and girth, as well as a partner you trust. The first step in full-on penetration is to be in complete control. I advise using your toys either before your partner comes over or as part of foreplay because it will enhance relaxation and ensure even and deep lube placement. Once you’re ready, the best position to start in is with your partner on their back and you slowly sitting on top. Just like with your toys, sit down until resistance is hit, hold it there, and relax. Then, lift off your partner entirely, and repeat 4-6 times. You should be ready for complete entry after this. Patience is a virtue for both you and your partner(s), but it’ll be worth it in the end. Lastly, and I cannot stress this enough, there is no such thing as too much lube!
4. Remain open to change
Becoming versatile is an art form that takes time and perfecting backdoor pleasure requires us to constantly analyze the scientific rationale behind how we play. Many things will work and some, of course, will not. It may be obvious, but choose wisely to surround yourself with positive energy and positive partners who respect your body (and theirs) and encourage mutual exploration with honest communication. The P-spot and A-spot, as well as all of the pelvic floor nerve endings are extremely pleasurable for you and your partner(s), but don’t be discouraged if you aren’t having positive experiences right away. Backdoor fun takes commitment, either with others or on your own through toy play. Remember: the muscle and skin of this region are alive and need constant stimulation. Practice at least twice a week to keep it optimized for entry and never stop learning.
All phases of life need to be cherished and as we all evolve and transition through these stages, our wants and needs in the bedroom evolve, along with changes new relationships bring. However, one thing will remain the same—our goal at Future Method. We will continue to help you navigate this delicate part of your body, while providing you with the proper products, education, and resources to be successful.