It's Different for Ladies

Dr. Evan Goldstein

fundamentals February 02, 2020

Although guys and girls both have butts, it’s what they do with them in the bedroom—and the questions they have— that differ. Dr Goldstein spoke to straight, bisexual and lesbian women about their perspectives and here’s what inquiring minds wished they’d had answers to when they tried entering through the back door the first time. 

Q: Does it hurt?

Not if you’re doing it properly. The key is to be prepared, fully relaxed, and (hopefully) having fun. It takes lots of lube, some training beforehand and, most importantly, a patient partner who stops when you say ‘stop’, isn’t demanding, and makes the whole experience fun and non-pressured.

Q: I heard guys enjoy it more, because they have a prostate.

Prostate stimulation is only one way guys get off, so not having a prostate doesn’t mean it’s not going to be fun. It’s a part of the body rich in nerve endings and good for stimulation, plus lots of women report that butt play stimulates their vagina indirectly, which can result in a slower, and more intense build up. Others just enjoy the whole sensation. Like all kinds of intimacy, for men and women, different people enjoy different things at different times. There’s only one way to find out: try it for yourself.

Q: I’m hesitant to try it, but my boy/girlfriend is pressuring me to do it.

First and foremost, it’s your butt, so only you can decide what goes into it (and when).

If you know it’s just not for you, that’s perfectly OK. Lots of gay men don’t use their butt in the bedroom at all. Why? Because everyone is different and likes different things. If you’re in a respectful, consensual relationship, partners should respect each other’s boundaries—and when appropriate, challenge them a little too.

If it’s fear of the unknown, try experimenting with your butt on your own (lubed up, butt-appropriate toys or dilating kit, over a period of time) and see if you like it. When you’re ready, take things slow (and with a lot of communication and lube) with your partner.

Q: Is it going to be “tighter” for my partner than vaginal play?

That depends on the vagina you have (and the D your partner has), but for most, the tighter sensations felt amongst all parties is one of the main reasons why people choose to explore the back door. If you’re only considering this to achieve a ‘tighter’ sensation, this might be a disappointment. Starting from a psychological place of exploring something new and different might lead to a better outcome. That being said, it will definitely feel different and as long as the sensation is pleasurable for you both, then explore away. Find out what works for you and don’t feel pressured (or shamed) into doing things that don’t.

Q: Is it something I can try right away? 

We’ve heard a lot of tales of women (and men) taking the back door plunge on an adventurous whim. We don’t recommend it. Going from nothing to something (especially something quite big) is setting yourself up for a less-than-ideal experience. Relaxing both your skin and your muscles is a must, and a little butt training (and lots of lube) is an important part of achieving this. This may actually take 4-6 weeks to get you primed and ready for the real D so patience and persistence is key.

Q: Should I be worried if my partner is well-endowed? Is a small D better?

Usually, you have to deal with what you have, big or small. If you have a choice in the size of D you’re dealing with, you may want to start small and work your way up. Either way, big or small, use lots of lube and steady as she goes. Smaller Ds (especially less thick ones) may cause less dilation going in, but they also may hit your walls at odd angles too, not leaving you much time to react. Landing on a comfortable position with a smaller D is as important as size. Dr. Goldstein recommends you practice dilating using butt plugs and then moving up to dildos that are of similar size to the real D, so that you can understand your anatomy, which will lead to better outcomes.


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Q: How can I be confident that I’m “clean” down there?

A good diet with a hefty dose of fiber (and using the toilet beforehand) will do most of the work for you. However, some of us believe we can never be too clean so you may want to consider a quick rinse with Future Method Intimate Wash, which has a cleansing agent along with a soothing agent, providing an unmatched glide, which is essential especially in the early stages of exploring back door fun. Future Method is also an isotonic formula, which means it’s the exact pH of your body so it won’t add extra liquid to your body you don’t need or strip you of the essentials you do need. Keep in mind that it's important not to over douche with too much liquid or force. Learn more about how to prepare before you play here.

Q: What foreplay is needed?

Same as always—whatever foreplay you enjoy and helps to turn you on. However, some butt play (and lube) is definitely advised to help achieve dilation (and relaxation) to set you up for the main event. 

Q: Will I feel like I’m going to poop?

Yes and no. Some of the sensations may be the same, but the situation will definitely be waaaay different so you’ll be in a different headspace. Also, depending on what you/your partner are doing (ahem, clit stimulation in tandem), you should be getting aroused in other ways, which doesn’t tend to happen when you’re going to the toilet. With the use of training and dilating, many are able to overcome the initial defecating sensations. Also, adding in appropriate fiber intake and Future Method cleansing should minimize these sensations. 

Q: What are the best/easiest positions?

I usually recommend that first-timers try being on top, where you can decide how much goes in and how fast it goes in, but it might be trickier for longer periods of time, depending (like with vaginal sex) on how much strength you have in your thighs and core. An alternative is to try the position you’re most comfortable with for vaginal play. Ultimately, the key is to be relaxed and having fun, so the position you feel happiest (and hottest) in, is likely the best position for you. Start really slow, more with you in control, and use the more adventurous positions once you’ve mastered butt play.

Q: Is it OK to switch from back to front?

This is a really bad idea since the transfer of bacteria from your butt into your vagina can cause infection. You’ve hopefully learned to wipe from front to back (and not the other way round) for a reason. The same goes for sex. 

Q: Will it mess up my bowel movements?

This really depends on the person, your diet, how regularly you go to the bathroom, and  what kind of butt play you plan on having (and for how long). The cleaning (before and after) tends to help make sure you won’t feel the need to go for a while, but if things do get a little irregular, they generally return to normal fairly quickly. Additionally, some people use the Future Method cleanser post-play for its soothing capabilities. But routine is routine and gives the best outcomes, including fiber, diet, exercise, and butt play.


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Q: I’ve heard tearing is possible. Is that a thing?

It can be a thing, especially without proper lubrication and without any dilation training beforehand, but with lots of lube and avoiding really rough play, it can be largely avoided. Both skin and muscle need to relax to diminish instances of tearing, since butt play, in and of itself, is traumatic. If tearing does occur, stop playing for the time being. Most tears resolve on their own, but if they persist, we recommend seeking medical advice. 

Q: Will back door fun leave me with a stretched out behind?

It depends on what you do with it (and how often), but generally with a D in your A, you’ll be OK. If you step up to fists or larger toys then, over time, there might be some stretching that takes longer to bounce back from. However, there are kegel tightening exercises that you can do, if this is a concern.

Q: Any other tips?

  • Don’t give up on your first try. Like anything, butt play can take a little practice, especially the ability to relax on cue.
  • Don’t forget that you’re in control of the situation. It’s OK for you to express your needs and call the shots.
  • If you’ve hit the wall, and not in a good way, there are plenty of medical and surgical techniques that will allow you to achieve what you and your partner want to achieve.
  • Most of all: remember to relax and have fun exploring something new.
About the author

Dr. Evan Goldstein is the Co-Founder of Future Method and the Founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical, the leading private practice in health and wellness for gay men. He received his MD from the University of Medicine and Dentistry School of Osteopathic Medicine. Dr. Goldstein is the go-to butt and bottoming expert, having been published in Huffington Post, Men’s Health, Healthline, and more. Learn about Dr. Goldstein by visiting his practice,


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